Almost two years ago, Rachel moved halfway across the US and seized the opportunity to reinvent herself. “I just decided to put into practice all of the things that I already knew,” she says.
At 39, Rachel has spent a life time on self-study, delving into health and wellness, the food industry, storytelling and myth, women’s issues, and spirituality. Until she hit the turning point two years ago that came with her cross-country move, she often chastised herself for not acting on what she had learned over the years. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?” she repeatedly berated herself. “Then, all of sudden, it just clicked,” she recalls, “And I said to myself, today I am just going to start living my life again… I guess I finally just reached that turning point, and got sick and tired of being depressed and feeling lifeless; I realized how hard I was being on myself and decided it was time to forgive myself and move forward.” Rachel is much gentler with herself now as she continues on her journey. “I just realized I had to get there and it was going to take time to heal.”
Rachel at her peak weight.
Rachel doesn’t pinpoint one particular moment or even one specific piece of information that precipitated her shift. She likens her transformation to a seed sprouting. “I wasn’t really living my life,” she says. “I had just checked out and let depression take over.” When she moved and decided to make some big changes in her eating and activity, it was a reclaiming of her life: “I had to decide that I wanted to live my life. I don’t want to just survive any more, I want to start living a full life and thrive,” she told herself, and she turned toward filling those spaces in her life that had become vacant.
The convergence of Rachel’s self-study materials resulted in a “lifestyle, a journey of being in touch with me, a spiritual healing and rebirth.” Some people point to behavior modification when they hear Rachel describe her shift, but she bristles at that description. “It was an emotional and spiritual shift in the way I think and exist. It wasn’t behavior modification at all, but a complete transformation in the way that I interact with the world, the way I see and feel about myself. My behavior changed merely as a result of these internal shifts. They were gradual, but over the course of two years, I changed the way I eat, the way I move – everything – even sleeping.”
Rachel draws on some key influences in her self-study, including:
- Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling by Anita Johnson. “If people have issues with food,” says Rachel, “I tell them, ‘Here, you need to read this.’” The powerful mechanisms of storytelling, myths and archetypes that this book reveal were instrumental for Rachel. “I have reread it like six times,” she says. “It’s one of those books that speak to the very core of my essence.” Rachel recently taught a class at her fellowship to guide people to the same transformation that she has created for herself, and she used bits and pieces of this book for the class. “I hope I’m planting the seed for transformation the way it was planted for me,” she says.
- The Hungry Self: Women, Eating and Identity by Kim Chernin. The fundamental guiding question of this book really spoke to Rachel, as she too asked herself the question:“What’s the name of my hunger?” This book helped her realize that what she was missing in her life was “love;” until she started to love herself, she couldn’t give or receive the love she needed to heal her life.
- Diet for a New World by John Robbins. A very powerful statement of the sad state of affairs in the US, while Rachel found this book “preachy” in spots, it was also very educational and eye-opening for her. “It talks about the differences between ‘real’ food and the processed junk that’s mostly found in grocery stores. My mom gave me that book a long time ago, and it’s stayed with me as I’ve grown and matured.”
- Eat, Drink And Be Healthy -The Harvard Medical School Guide to Healthy Eating – by Walter C. Willett, M.D. Rachel refers to the new and improved “Healthy Food Pyramid” published in this book as her primary guide for nutritional values. As a vegetarian, she has had to alter the contents somewhat. Shifting “Nuts and Legumes” down into the bottom category with “Whole Grains” and eliminating most of the top half of the pyramid, including “Fish and Poultry” and “Red Meat.” While she still consumes eggs and dairy, she continues to contemplate adopting a full fledged vegan lifestyle for its long term health benefits.
- Body for Life by Bill Phillips. Although, she actually prefers the just for women’s edition Body for Life for Women by Dr. Pamela Peeke. “At the recommendation of a friend from the gym, I checked out these books from the library and have implemented many of the strategies in my own weight lifting routine. While Phillips can seem a bit arrogant and has a rather haughty attitude, I find his tools to be quite effective. In the alternate version however, Peeke uses virtually the exact same information, but tailors it to women in a much more accessible way, which is why I prefer her approach. All in all, I find the advice for this program to be streamlined and highly effective.”
- Healthy Weighs: A Non-Dieting Approach to Weight Management. Through this in-person class, which is sponsored by the Health District of Northern Larimer County (Colorado), Rachel was introduced to many nutrient-dense “super foods” in the class. “I eat kale all the time now, and I had never had it before that class. Quinoa? I have to admit that even as educated as I already was about food and nutrition prior to taking the class, I had never even heard of it before. The class got me started on trying new things, and now when something new comes along, I have a ‘let’s try it’ attitude.”
- Counseling and support groups at the university where Rachel was in graduate school a few years ago. “I participated in an eating disorder support group just before my mom passed away, and it was helpful,” recalls Rachel. “The counselor I was seeing suggested that I go even though I do not have a formally diagnosed eating disorder. ‘You’ve got something going on with food,’ she said.”
Rachel’s habits now tend toward healthy food. “My relationship with food is totally different now. I try to have super foods like leafy greens and rich anti-oxidant foods every day. I need very little food because I’m eating such rich food. I used to eat more unhealthy ‘non’ food, and I was never satisfied so I’d eat too much and then feel so sick my stomach would get upset and I couldn’t sleep at night from the discomfort.” Rachel often looks at the foods she used to eat, and she rarely feels drawn to them. “To me, it’s not food. It’s empty calories. I go for food that isn’t processed or chemically modified.”
Rachel last August. I love that she sent a picture of herself in progress. It makes it seem less like she took a magic pill, more real.
She’s not a perfectionist, though. “If I feel like having something, I will.” She’ll have an inner dialog with herself if she’s drawn to empty calories. “’It’s okay,’ I tell myself. I realize it won’t fill me up. I go with the ‘everything in moderation’ approach. I give myself permission to not be perfect. Before, it was all or nothing with me and food. I would label things ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ Now, I say, ‘This is not really food, it’s not nutritionally healthy, but I can enjoy it and forgive myself.” She’ll also ask herself, “’Do I really want to sabotage myself today?’ But then she realizes that it isn’t sabotage at all because it’s ok to have a little splurge now and then.
Another dramatic change that Rachel has made is her level of activity. She exercises so frequently now that she can absorb little blips like kettle corn at the movies. “I move all the time. It’s a really big thing for me. I was always physically active as a kid, but it gradually eroded for me as I got older. I’ve reclaimed that. If I don’t go to the gym, I get stiff and uncomfortable really fast.”
When Rachel moved to her new town, she joined a gym and told herself to give it a try and go every day. Gradually, she noticed her strength changing. “Before joining the gym, I had lost 15 pounds just by changing my interactions with food. After I started working out regularly, I started to really feel good. If I’d miss a day, I’d feel it, but I would go the next day, and it would totally change the way I felt. It has become a habit. I can’t envision not going. It’s part of my daily routine.”
Rachel’s ultimate goal is to return to dance. “I haven’t found a studio yet – that requires peak physical condition. I’m working toward that peak. That’s my ultimate goal.”
Rachel started her journey at 233 pounds. She’s down to 173. “I’m about three-quarters of the way there,” she says. “I’m happy with my results overall; but, I still get really frustrated with my belly. The rest of me is where I want to be. I can do crunches like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve gone from over 40 inches around my waist to 34 inches.”
Now a size 8, Rachel will laugh when her teenage daughter suggests that Rachel try on her daughter’s clothes, thinking they might fit. “I’m a size 8. She’s like a 0! My goal is to get down to a 4/6. For dance, I want to lose another 30-40 pounds, but I’m flexible. If I lose another 20, and I can do everything I want to do, that’s fine.”
Another habit that Rachel has acquired in her transformation has been spending time on her own, journaling, “just doing my own thing, me time.” Her journaling has helped her recognize her old pattern of bottling up emotions and letting them “eat at me.” Now journaling and meditation are part of her routine. “It’s a good way of checking in with myself.” Tarot cards are another tool that Rachel uses. “I find it very therapeutic; it unlocks the psyche, and brings up stuff I didn’t necessarily know was going on deep down.”
People often ask Rachel about her health revolution, and she’s eager to share her journey. The class she taught at her fellowship gave her the chance to outline her tools, and she often shares them with people who ask. “As an educator, I’m driven to want to help people.” People ask her “What’s your secret?” She responds: “I don’t diet ever! I have made a lifestyle commitment to change my relationship with food and heal myself.”
When Rachel sent this photo (taken just a few days ago), she said, "Please bear in mind that I have lost 60 pounds thus far, but still have about 30-40 left to reach my final goal."
As she explains where she’s been and what freed her from the yo-yo dieting, she is sometimes stunned that people continue to resistant her ideas so vehemently. “I think our culture is incredibly disordered around food. I had to personally work through this process. It takes a lot of time, and it takes a lot of shifting. For me, the intellectual part was there, but the spiritual was missing. I had to come to it on my own. When I was ready, I knew how to make it happen. I had all of these tools in place.”
And make it happen, she did.
Beyond Yoyos 